My daughter Kate is three, almost four, and she is a master of the unexpected tantrum. One minute, everything is calm. The next, we are in a full-blown crisis because she doesn’t want to put on her school pants, even though they are a required part of her uniform. Another time, it’s a battle over brushing her tangled hair. Or, most predictably, she will have a complete meltdown in the middle of a store because I said no to a candy bar.
For a long time, these moments were maddening. They felt random, illogical, and completely out of proportion. But as I’ve navigated more of them, I’ve started to see a pattern. It’s almost never about the pants, the hairbrush, or the candy. It’s about a deeper, more human feeling: a loss of control.
The Question Behind the Question
At three or four years old, a child’s life is almost entirely dependent on the adults around them. They are told when to wake up, what to eat, where to go, and what to wear. When they are told “no,” even for a good reason, it can feel earth-shattering. Their entire world, in that small moment, feels like it’s closing in. The tantrum isn’t about defiance; it’s a desperate attempt to regain some sense of agency.
I see that same quality in myself, and I see it in every entrepreneur and team member I’ve ever worked with. There is always a deeper meaning behind our reactions. When we feel unheard, ignored, or powerless, our own versions of tantrums can emerge. We might not throw ourselves on the floor, but we might become defensive, disengaged, or resistant to new ideas.
I realized that managing these moments, both at home and in business, requires the same fundamental skill. It’s not about distraction or simply enforcing authority. It’s about asking the right questions to understand the story behind the issue.
From Toddler Tantrums to Team Troubles
This lesson hit home for me during a recent project meeting. A few key members of my team came to me and said, “Project A, B, and C just can’t be done.” My initial reaction was frustration. The deadlines were tight, and this felt like a major roadblock.
But then I thought about Kate and the school pants. Instead of pushing back, I took a breath and started asking questions. Why can’t it be done? Is it a budget limitation? Is it a skills limitation? Are the requirements unclear?
It turned out that the problem wasn’t the project itself. One team member was feeling overwhelmed by a personal issue, and another was facing a mental barrier because it was their first time tackling a project of this scale. They weren’t saying the project was impossible. They were saying they felt like they were losing control and needed support.
Your Job Isn’t to Have the Answers
Problem-solving is the absolute core of entrepreneurship. But as leaders, our role isn’t always to have the immediate solution. Often, it’s to provide the resources and create the environment where our team can find the solution themselves.
In the case of my team, the fix wasn’t a complex strategic pivot. It was about communication and support. We talked through the challenges, I connected the less experienced team member with a mentor, and we adjusted some timelines to give them breathing room. The project got back on track, not because I forced it, but because I took the time to understand the real issue beneath the surface.
This is the same principle Dr. Becky Kennedy talks about in her approach to parenting. When a child is having a tantrum, you aren’t scolding them for their feelings. You are their guide. Your job is to keep them safe, help them process their emotions, and lead them to a place of understanding. You meet them where they are.
Meet Them Where They Are
The next time you face a crisis at work, a resistant team member, or a project that seems to be going off the rails, resist the urge to jump straight to solutions. Instead, think about Kate and her pants. Ask yourself: What is this really about?
It’s not about giving in to every demand, just as you wouldn’t give a child candy every time they ask. It’s about acknowledging the emotion, digging deeper to find the root cause, and working through the situation together. Whether you are leading a family or a company, the goal is the same: to help people work through their challenges and reach a conclusion everyone can feel good about.
It’s a simple lesson, but it’s one that has fundamentally changed how I lead. And it all started with a three-year-old who just really, really did not want to wear her pants.
